I’m not leaving. Logistically there is no possible way to fly My dog because he’s a short snub nose and unless I fly from Arizona it’s no bueno!!
My 10-day vacation (if you want to call it that) from working out ended I FINALLY ran and then went to gym to lift. I thought if I took a break, I would possibly gain weight or at least to get at least to 100 pounds but like the flight for G-man no bueno!! Still at 94pounds. Which I wouldn’t even give a fuck about but I’m tired of hearing how “skinny” I am. I don’t think I’ve changed and like I told a coworker, I was just fat when I got here because for a year, I ate Pizza Hut 3x a week. Nonetheless I’m scared I’ll have a heart attack, so I took time off from my marathon training and even ate bread. The end result, I didn’t gain a pound, getting out of my morning routine made me late to work almost every day. Not a few minutes late but like an hour late. I don’t think I left the office before 530 in almost 2 weeks. So yeah, I’m back on track and today’s workout didn’t make anything better except I’m glad I worked out.
Fuck me sideways. So, it’s been a while, and I should be over it. I broke it off completely with trainer guy because my heart and hell my mind wasn’t in it. Even though we’ve only been hanging out and nothing official I can tell it was headed that direction and honestly even though I’m so angry at everything it still makes me so
Incredibly sad. It’s been way to long not to have moved on by now. It’s actually worrying me because maybe I’m just insane. Maybe my OCD can’t let me move past him? I was folding laundry, and a song came on and it will always make me think of this time in my life here. Just like my time with DA in Hawaii there are songs that still remind me off that time. But fuck even with D I moved on fast. Maybe because I was deployed? Maybe because I have a thing for tabbed SF majors or maybe because idk but why I’m not moved on from AJ? It still makes me so sad. If I really thought about it, I would cry so I try to push it out of my mind. Is it the lack of closure? The unanswered questions to all his lies? Just the not knowing of why? All his accusations and hurtful words when the whole time, even when it was bad I was always committed to him, but he would be so hurtful and mean to me. When I think of that aspect, I’m ashamed I stayed around for so long, but I loved him. I loved him and was more in love with him than I have ever been. Maybe it’s the shock value of it all because I always thought we were meant to me that our love and that “something “between us was strong enough to get through anything. At the time I thought our “issues” were so trivial in the bigger picture, but it’s known I realized he was living another life and hiding things I probably don’t even want to know about. But why me? Why was I the one he wanted to hurt and lie to? When I did nothing but adore him. I look back and think “my god did I love that man”. Everything just seemed so fucking right with him. That it took me 20 years to meet him
Maybe it’s the fact I feel like such a fool? I truly believed he loved and was in love with me. I never thought we would end it how he did? Unfair and inconsiderate that I had a heart and feelings. Completely discarded me like I meant nothing to him. I realize now it’s because I didn’t. It was all to fulfill his sexual deviance and holding on for his fantasies to be fulfilled.
Maybe it’s hard because I feel stupid for not only believing what he came out of his mouth, but I “thought” he truly did love and care for me. It’s one thing to be able to be so manipulative with your words but to lie with your eyes takes sheer talent.
I’m an open-minded person and objective. I try to look back on mistakes I made, and I really can’t think of anything that deserved how he treated and used me in the end.
He always thought I was lying. I didn’t lie to him one time the entire Time he knew me except smoking a few times, which was dumb, but it was seriously maybe 3 times. Mostly because I was working a lot with a smoker, and I was so stressed over our relationship. I don’t drink and I can only run and workout so much, so I needed an outlet. It was dumb after everything with my parents but besides that I never lied to him.
I want to say and think that it will all workout and I’ll get Closure but that would be a fucking lie. I got zero closure with DA and AJ will be another relationship where there are things I’ll just never know.
Still, it makes me sad. All things aside. All the bad and chaos. All of the stuff I’ve done, written, blogged or posted, it hurts me deeply. Almost 5 months later and it hurts as much as it did that day, he sent the text.
I just never thought he would leave it like that!!! I waited for so long for him to knock on my door, send a text like nothing happened and we would work it out just like the 100 times before. But that never happened!
I think the icing on the cake, or I wouldn’t be as hurt as I am if it wasn’t for the fact that the random chick, he had a one night stand with, a woman he just fucked and had zero emotional ties with ended up getting a dinner and an explanation.
But me. Me??? I get a fucking text and not even a good one. Oh, and let’s not forget I get to move 2000 miles away for a job that I only applied and accepted (thinking maybe we would work it out) because I knew he wanted to go there.
They say time is supposed to heal and I’m not healed. It’s not the fact that we broke up. I’m a fucking adult I can handle a breakup. It’s incredibly painful knowing that I was completely fooled but not only was I conned, lied and manipulated but how can someone invest so much time and energy then discard me or anyone like he did. That he had zero pain or grief from it? Leading me to the one reasonable answer. The one conclusion that only makes sense is he didn’t give a fuck about me at all from the start and it was ALL ONE BIG FUCKING LIE.
because the only other plausible answer if it wasn’t that is he truly is not only a spineless narcissistic man but he truly is just an evil man, poor excuse for a person and just not a good human being.
Probably explains why he’s 42, no children, alone and clings to any person who can provide him narcissistic fuel.
I truly hope he fucking dies a slow painful death! Fuck you the ex and I hope he fucks that transvestite he fantasized about.
Wait maybe I’m completely wrong. Maybe the real reason is because I don’t have a penis to fuck him in the ass like he wanted?
*Big sigh* I do hold comfort knowing he won’t get a woman as attractive, and this state is a good place for him since it’s filled with white trash chicks who wear camo! He didn’t get one thing that he wanted that I refused when we were together, my blogs are public. Not like he reads them, but I sure hope anyone who googles his name does.
I think that’s the kicker and last laugh I get in all of this. Is even now he would much rather have me blog publicly than just ask me to take them down because he doesn’t want to look me in the eye? This entire time all it would have taken was for him to ask me to stop blogging and maybe an apology. Not even that though. All this started as my desperate attempt to get a reaction but then people started emailing and enjoying them, so I continue. But if he would have asked, I would have made them private.
That’s all. Bye Felicia.
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