How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode.

Well, the time has come. I have my start date. I should be excited but I’m not. I only applied for this position for us because it was the one place The ex would consider living again.

I never thought I’d get it. It’s everything I want professionally but everything I want the rest of my life is here and he hates me now and I have absolutely no idea why. I try to block it out.

But then when I least expect it, it creeps up on me and makes me sad. When I really think about it, or not it but him. The ex. I must gasp for air. I literally lose my breath. It’s been so much time it seems. It kills me.

Every day I think of the ex. The change will be good. It’s a promotion. It’s a deputy position and it’s in a great location. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I didn’t apply for me I did it for us. Maybe I’m in Denial. Now that I’m officially leaving, I know there is zero hope for us. Ever! That makes me sad but proving to me once again when people say forever it’s never forever. It’s until they get tired and want to move on, which essentially means they didn’t truly love you like they said.

They liked you and probably lusted. But love it wasn’t. When you love someone, you’re committed to them and the relationship whether intimate or platonic.

Still the devastating part of it all, even after all this time, is the way the ex-decided he was done. A text. Never in my life did I think I would be in a relationship with a 42-year-old man for almost a year and he would decide not only that he truly was done but that he would formally end and cease all communication and decided to tell me via text message.

Not even a phone call but the audacity to have the unwillingness to at the minimum respect that I was a human being with feelings and emotions. The ex-didn’t care though. Not only did I mean nothing to him or the fact he disregarded any good moment or memories we shared but that even as person and human, I didn’t deserve the respect to be told on the phone.

Grant you the mature and right thing to do when you formally end things is in person however a phone call would have at least softened the blow. Yet none of that happened with Mr. West Point former track star Army Major from Syracuse the ex or the ex like he prefers. No, the ex-decided that I only deserved a text message.

I wished it ended there but it didn’t. The ex knows me. The ex knew how I would react. To add salt on my already wounded heart. To have one final say send to get the last word in the ex-wanted to seal the deal in make sure he could hurt me and cause me as much pain as humanely possible. The ex who knew I would be irate (see other blogs on our breakup cycles) decided to add just a little more salt and drive that nail even deeper but decided he wouldn’t respond to my texts or even answer when I called. That was it.

The ex-made the decision he was done. Of course, at the time this wasn’t anything new since he did it all the time and I reacted the same way each time because at the time I had more respect for him as a man. Truthfully, I did. I held the ex at a higher standard, I mean really who the fuck behaves like that and treats a person like that? Grade school maybe surely not educated grown professionals like the ex and myself. But boy was I wrong. Ha the jokes on me. Apparently, the ex does that. Or at least to me.

Don’t stop reading. It didn’t end there, well really it did however this of course wasn’t the glue that sealed the deal in my feelings and opinion of the ex. I realize now the ex is the epitome of not only a narcissist, but the ex is plain and simple and evil horrible human being.

Not because we broke up. The ex-isn’t horrible because he enjoyed belittling me or getting drunk and calling me horrible names. The ex-isn’t evil because the day I had surgery and while he did take care of me for a day, but the morning I left, heck the bed was probably still warm, he had some random fat chick hours later.

The ex-isn’t even horrible for looking me directly in the eye after showing up unannounced at my door and having dinner with my son and I to tell me, promise and swearing to me he wasn’t with anyone else when in fact The ex-slept with some random chick days prior of course only after he ignored me for 2 days.

The ex-isn’t a horrible evil human being for ending things with me after almost a year via text BUT one night stand whore chick gets dinner so the ex could “let her down gently” and tell her he was working it out with me.

Looking back, I only now realize EVERYTHING that came out of the ex-mouth is a fucking lie. Most of the unresolved issues and lack of closure I have is not knowing what truth was and what was a lie but worse what I don’t know about or what he hid from me.

The ex-had a lot of sexual fantasies. This is one aspect that attracted me to him is we are both truly openminded people!!

The ex has sexual fantasies that I could NEVER fulfill.
1. I’m just not sexually attracted to transvestites. I have zero desire to have sex with a woman, but she has a penis and watch the ex-have sex with him from behind. Sorry, that does nothing for me. The ex would have had to find a transvestite on his own time.

I am not into bisexual men. To each their own and I have no judgement. I couldn’t ever be okay with watching the ex-have sex with another man or is it the man having sex with him? Nonetheless it doesn’t do diddly squat for me. Sorry The ex.

Even after all this it still doesn’t make him the epitome of evil and horrible human. What makes him or at Least I feel why he is a completely utterly evil excuse for a man is the fact that not only all this, but he has zero empathy for the pain he caused me. Even now when emotions have cooled off and we’ve moved on for the most part. I’m just moving, the ex-moved on much earlier than sending the text, The ex has zero remorse or conscience of what he did.

I’m sure he tries to justify himself. Telling everyone horrible and emotional abuse I caused him, since the ex loves to give his side of the story that topic is another blog for another day.

How does one sleep at night? How does the ex-sleep at night knowing that regardless of what I could have done, the mature and right thing to do sure the fuck didn’t involve a text message. Of course, alcoholics like the ex-pass out do so they never really sleep or drunks like The ex-pass out with whatever random whore they find at a bar.

But alas, it’s difficult for someone like the ex to have empathy.

It’s almost impossible for someone like the ex to have a conscience.

It would be hard for someone like the ex to have feelings for me or anyone but himself.

The ex-simply had no soul and it’s sad. I didn’t know the ex was a sad, pathetic, alcoholic with mommy issues when I met him but that’s what narcissistic people do, they are like lizards and blend in and turn into whatever you want them to be. I saw what I wanted to see but honestly none of his fault mattered to me. All the bad didn’t matter. I love him and was willing to love him despite everything.

Evidently I and all that I felt, all the laughs, movies, dinners, moments and ups and down on The ex-mind only deserved a text.
…the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving The ex without The ex for much longer than I loved him when I knew him.
Some people might find that strange.
But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them.