There is this old song that I used to have on an MP3 many moons ago, by the Strum Bums, called 30 days. I found it by this guy I dated name John. I mean this is my all time favorite song and I really wanted to listen to it today, but it’s only on myspace and of course it no longer is available or plays. I spent hours today trying to convert the file to mp3, adding new browsers and had zero luck. I’m sad today, I woke up to run burns park and the run was horrible. It was hot, the trail was new and to rocky, I just didn’t have a good run, I did get a good workout. It kicked my ass.
Well tomorrow marks his 30 days of not talking to me. I can’t even remember the last time we spoke and it’s been almost 2 months since we last saw once another. It still hurts me and feels like yesterday. Tomorrow is my 2 weeks of not contacting him, although a small part of me really wants to..but why? He wants nothing to do with me and right now if there is any chance in him and I, time and space has to happen. I had no right to threaten that I would blog about him, although I would never have actually done it, it still was wrong. I feel bad about that part of my behavior. I realize though that while it was some negative aspects of us, a lot of positive came out of meeting him.
He truly did inspire me to be a better human being and meeting him brought my love of running back. I can’t put a price on how thankful I am of that. I wish we had left things on a neutral note, instead of how it was. So volatile and hurtful. Never in the entire time we were together did I want us to hate one another. Well I don’t hate him, my god I still love him. He could knock on my door this very second and I would welcome him in with open arms. I played a huge part in our issues, and I realize now that it wasn’t up to him to make me happy
. Plus the constant reassurance of texting and telling me he loved me, had to of been exhausting. I made my mistakes like he did, but still there was just something about him and being around him that made me so happy. I miss talking to him, hindsight being 20/20 I wish we had just stayed friends. Breaking up not only did I lose a lover but I lost my closest friend in Arkansas, that makes me sad. I truly hope after 30 days of me not contacting him that I have moved on. I really don’t see how I could though, I love him.
I have cried every day since this all happened. I miss him. I still have to trust that God has his plan, as much as I miss him I have to remember how horrible he was to me. The constant belittling, calling me a whore, the horrible way he treated me. From the start. Due to my own issues, I put up with this type of treatment. He would say that I was the one abusive to him. Did I do things he felt were abusive and not realize it? We did have an unhealthy relationship, but I was willing to make changes, he wasn’t. Still deep down I know we could have a really good life together, and at one time I now he truly loved me, which is why this is so hard. I wonder if he thinks of me? Does he ever miss me? The unanswered questions I will never know. I need to stop writing about it, because as I type the tears stroll down my face.
I am tired today, the trip to Fort Worth exhausted me, it was a good experience even if I felt completely lost. I realize now how the office here is kind of failing me. I have no idea about the strategic matrix and all the other things discussed. I spoke with Elizabeth who told me usually chiefs are on COPs, so I don’t know. Plus, I am not a drinker, so going out every night with them was boring for me. I wish I felt compelled to drink, to numb this pain and sadness I constantly carry around. I think not being able to numb my emotions has made this most difficult. NO amount of gym time or running numbs this pain of missing him. I just don’t understand him or how he did all of this. Nothing about it makes sense. That’s the part that I don’t get and bothers me the most. Why not do it before he left?