Wow. It’s all happening so fast, and it makes me sad sort of. I am happy at work and somehow everyone seems to know I will be leaving, which is fine, but it makes it all more real. I have only been here a year. A year exactly and I’m already leave. Part of me is sad. Sad over the personal part of my life. Sad how I am leaving things with Andy and hold on to the hope that God knows what he is doing with my life. A mutual friend stopped by my office to congratulate me on the position and asked three times if “I was doing all right”. I of course smiled and was like I’m doing amazing, however had she asked me a month ago, or maybe even a week ago, I may have broken down sobbing.
I was so foolish to behave the way I did. I can’t take anything I said or did back, although nothing excuses the ex for behaving and ending everything in a fucking text message. I honestly don’t know and not like it matters if I will ever forgive him for what he did. So very callous and evil. I mean really who the fuck at the age of 42 ends a serious relationship over a fucking text message. Alcoholics like the ex.
I have wasted so much of my energy stressing and being sad over a person who isn’t a good human being. I realize now besides being the narcissistic alcoholic who wants to fuck transvestite men, or is it women? The ex-isn’t a good human being. I wouldn’t treat a casual acquaintance in the manner as he did me, so it shows how little integrity and spine he has. It actually disgusts me that I even wasted so much time and why? I like the chase. It was or so I thought in the beginning a challenge, but the ex I met was far from the reality of the ex I dated.
My ex who I have remained friends is absolutely convinced the ex-brain washed me or as he states “Got inside your head”. Possibly even though I am somewhat confident I have a mind of my own and I truly loved him. I did love him more than I have any other man. I can honestly say that, but I wonder why I allowed The ex to treat me in the manner he did. I accept responsibility for my actions towards the end after he sent me the text but early on the treatment was undeserved. I found my journal that I write in, and it was dated 10 days after we met or our first date. It was right before New Year’s so we were really new. In fact, we weren’t even official. Evidently, I was upset because I had spent hours on the phone with the cable company to get sports added to my cable for the ex. Let’s stop right here shall we. What man would expect a woman he JUST MET to add a football package to her cable. The ex-did. I mean looking back I can’t even fathom why I did this, but I did or actually didn’t because it was a 24 hour processing time. I wrote in my journal since i was upset the ex had left my house mad because it wasn’t done fast enough.
Who the fuck gets mad or even angry at a woman they just met, leaves her house over a situation she had zero control over. The ex does. Why or how did I let the ex treat me like this? This was nothing in comparison to what was in store later on. I honestly can’t recall what we ever really argued about except it usually was the ex not getting his way. Even now all this time later I will never understand or know what was worse. The ex being drunk and calling me horrible, filthy names. The ex-showing zero respect and being utterly cruel OR that I allowed the ex to treat me this way?
The lies. The ex is such a liar. Things I am sure I don’t even know about or want to know about. The worse lie besides our entire relationship was the ex looking me directly in the eye telling me I was the only one he was with. It was a cold blatant lie. But only one of the exs lies I actually found out about.
I have NEVER regretted anything in my life until the ex. I regret ever meeting him. I regret ever talking to him and letting him into my life. I have never despised and hated anyone as much as I do the ex. I truly hope one day my anger for him fades away. I don’t want to hate the ex. I am a better person if I don’t hate anyone but as of right now, I hate the ex and I truly hope he fucking rots in hell.
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