So my therapist said to write you a letter and then light it on fire..I aske if I could light you on fire instead…As much as I miss you, I fucking hate you.  So much I cry daily. The thought of never falling asleep in your arms or never kissing your lips hurts me but I hate you all the same time.

I hate you for asking me to come home and then calling my chain of command. I hate you for fucking calling every number you didn’t recognize and then having me to explain to people why you were calling.

Oh, how I wish I could go back and change everything.  You put up with so much.my addictions…I lost you. And I didn’t want to listen. I thought you would put up with it. And I lost you.

I have no reason at this point to lie to you about anything…I just want you to know that I haven’t even hung out with a male let alone anything physical. I wish I could be like you. And move on. Stop loving you. But I can’t…I know eventually my brain and heart will be on the same page and move of. But not today.

You have no idea how much I miss you. Going back to Texas is my worst fear. Everything was better when you were in my life. I hate you for trying to change me when you knew everything form the start.

I look at our pictures together. And try to figure out at what point did it all go wrong. We were at such a good place prior to IPE. When we went to Memphis.

I am so angry at myself for not getting help sooner. That it took the loss of you for me to see how I am destroying my life. I admit at first this whole sobriety was to prove a point to you. So, in six months from now you could see the sober me. The girl who you fell in love with and at one point wanted to marry.

I love you so much that I just wish all of this would go away. I am truly sorry for all the pain I caused you and your family. I know you going to Memphis makes you so happy. But it makes me miserable.

I’m only writing this too you because it’s part of my recovery process but also because I’m driving myself insane thinking of you…and imagining you could or have found someone else.

I went to your page and saw your kiss me anyways status update.it upset me so much. Not because you have moved on but also because you are already at the point of being physical with another woman.

I’m not even close to that point. I did try the POF because I thought it would make the breakup and move on faster. But then after a few emails with dudes I realized that I’m no teen at a point to talk with another gum. And it would be unfair to a stranger to mess with their emotions.

You will never know how much this kills me and how not being able to drink and stuff to deal with it makes it hard.

I feel as if this is a nightmare I can’t wake up from…but then I wake up in the morning to my reality.my reality of not having you in your arms.

How I took every moment and second with you for granted. Letting days go by without making love to you…fighting with you over males I allowed back in my life. Even after I knew it hurt you.

Knowing that you hate me. That I won’t be your wife one day.

I wish I could take every time I did something messed up back. What makes it worse is I knew months ago I need to get these addictions and face up to my problem. But I have been an addict so long I feared having to live my life sober.

And it was always an excuse. A legal RX, a smaller bottle of rum, always an excuse.

When really, I should have focused on getting help. Getting back with god.to get all this resentment and hatred I had for my family out of my heart.

Worse is I knew the ONLY way we would have a healthy relationship and for it to be blessed was to get back with God.

Also, the only way I could keep sober.

AA and te 12 step program thing really opened my eyes. Hearing every story from others is like my life story.

I want to tell myself the reason for us was to finally wake me up to see that I can’t be a functioning addict that my life was/had spiraled out of control.

I really hope that one day our paths will cross, and you can see me for the better the sober And know you were a major part in my recovery.

I hope your life is blessed because your choice to end our relationship because of MY addictions, the friends who caused us problems. The fighting everything was what saved me.

I was wrong…I can be saved. And I really hope god blesses you for making the choice. And I hope to end our relationship was a difficult one for you. I only hope you loved me enough that it was hard to make that choice.

Losing you is what saved me…

I admit I was angry at first. I felt as you had abandoned me that you didn’t love me enough to stick by me, but I finally realized that things would have never changes. I would have just gone back to my addict self.

I only hope that you understand the sober normal ME is what made me fall in love with you.

In all my years and relationships. I have never loved anyone like I do you. It was different and for the first time everything made sense. The love was just there. But holding hands wasn’t enough…

You did read a lot of stuff on CD. You found out a lot. I hope one day you will see most of my decisions were based on how much I was abusing alcohol and pills.

I regret a lot of my actions the last 10 months. So much was said and done that I can’t take back.

I’m sorry my sister manipulated a lot of the issues. But honestly, I haven’t seen Ryan since before I met you.

I wish I could take everything back. I wished you held on to the little good you did see in me. So many words I want to say but my feelings and emotion can’t be captured on paper.

I could email you. Or text. But I chose this blog because I want a reminder daily how my addictions ruined something I loved so much. T

Worse though, is I placed everything else before you. Something a person doesn’t do to someone they say they love.

The email I sent was really to see if you were getting on my FB. I have no reason to lie to you anymore. Nor do I have to hide anything which is why I’m telling you about anything you had doubts or thoughts about before. I lost you already…so being honest isn’t going to hurt anything at this point. When I was in the barracks. I was there every night alone. The only other person I talked to was Jeanine (aside from pao no’s). I was NEVER out with Ryan. I said and tagged him just to make you jealous and mad. Dumb I know when back then we could have probably salvaged our relationship and stayed together.

I should have married you the first chance I had.

The conversation you saw with Inman meant nothing. You are and probably will be the best sexually I have ever had. You even to this very day do it for me. If I see old pics or videos…well it does still turn me on as much if not more than that first kiss in my jeep.

I have not drunk or done pills since the last night at the apartment when you called my boss. Not a drop of alcohol or even a pill. I admit at first it was because I was scared about the Army, but it really took my first AA meeting that following Friday that made me realize I needed to work the steps and hand all my problems over to Got. I’m not trying to preach or sound like a bible.

Don’t get me wrong. This is so hard. It’s difficult because I’m dealing with the breakup while not dealing with how I deal with everything. Pills and alcohol.

This was a huge reason why I came home. I knew if I was around my sister and family I couldn’t drink.

But it’s so hard. I’m contemplating on doing the 30-day in-patient program just because I know my habits…And going back to Texas is going to trigger the urge to relapse…

I know this is long… But you’re the only person who truly knows me and the one I can be completely honest with.so not only did I lose my fiancé lost my best friend.

It’s interesting the number of times I hit backspace because I wrote babe out of habit.

There is so much more I could say to you. But I would be writing a book. Please know how very sorry I am for all the pain I caused you. You never deserved what I put you through. The level of commitment you gave me, and I always had one foot out the door with you.

Again. I don’t know why I did most of the things that caused problems. But I do know the decisions were driven by the addictions.

While it’s only been a couple of weeks to a lifetime of recovery, I know honestly those decisions and situations would have NEVER happened if I wasn’t abusing substances like I was!

“Just wait and see the change.”

You don’t need to comment or reply. I need this because I love you too much for you to hate me.

I miss you dearly and love you so much more, I have tried to hate you, but I can’t because not only do I love you I’m still very much in love with you…it’s going to take time. For everything for sobriety but also to fall out of love with you.

I’m not even going to send you this. I really am leaving this in Gods hand. If you stumble on it through my fb then good. If you don’t then really, I’m talking to myself. I hope you do read it but I have hoped for a lot of things the last few weeks. But like everything in my life since all this happened, I’m just trusting and leaving it to Jesus.

I love you. I miss you, I miss our weekends together, laying on the couch, cooking your dinners, riding in your car…feeling you caress my hair while I sleep. Listening to your heartbeat at night. Waking me up when you were getting up for work…the random texts throughout the day.

I wish I could take so much back. But if I did it wouldn’t have brought me to where I am today.

I love you. I always will…but thanks for everything. But thank you for saving me from myself.

I love you always and forever.

Until Next Time