There’s nothing worse than not being Wanted. It happened in pieces, tiny little turning points. The ex-broke my heart. Break ups are fine, how he did it was cowardly.  I’ll never figure out when it all turned because it wasn’t a single moment. It doesn’t matter how many times I look back, how many times I try to figure it out. There is not before and after. Just almost a year of choices. For so long people didn’t understand us. They don’t understand me. They think it’s so black and white, that he makes me miserable and that I should be with someone else and that I deserve something else. But it’s not black and white at all. It’s gray. It’s a never-ending world of gray. For so long I would try to figure out when I stopped mattering to him, and I don’t know how to undo it. I want it to be like it used to when all he needed was me. It will never be true. Things have never been okay with us. Maybe if I’d paid attention, I would have seen that on our first few dates.

Maybe I would have noticed his possessiveness; maybe I would have seen the way he wrapped around me, made me his entire world, his possession or object. Maybe I would have felt the weight he placed on my shoulders, one tiny stone at a time. Maybe I would have seen I was only with him to provide him with fuel a mere object in his eyes that could be easily discarded without thought when I no longer benefited him. I saw the red flags, but I chose to ignore it essentially, I settled with him. I was in love of the idea of him. I was in love with being in love. I’m not sure what to think anymore. What makes him treat me this way. I’ve been in relationships but nothing in comparison to the relationship we had. There was something electric between us, pure passion when I laid eyes on him. He made me intoxicated the love I thought I had for him I only question now. These were moments I fell deeper in love with him. When neither of us would say anything, and we just … stare.

There was an understanding between us, or I thought that went deeper than words ever could. A connection so real I can’t put into words because words could never say the things I felt. But I was manipulated by his lies and deceit, the entire relationship was a lie. This wasn’t love it never was. It’s something broken and ugly. I wanted it so badly I didn’t care what it looked like. All I want to do is pretend nothing is wrong and avoid it all, for eternity, but I know I can’t. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he lets his rage take over, that he lets it rule him. I don’t know why he must let it rule him. I don’t know why he must be two people and I only get to be me, the one who was there to take what he must give, and who was there to pick up the pieces afterward. The only one in his life that’s consistent and always there when he needed.

The sounding board when he was stressed, his AC broke and I was there to let him stay in my apartment that he despised. I was the one who stuck by him during the transition or when he had surgery. Nobody else who he thinks so highly and puts on a pedestal. I don’t know what happiness feels like anymore or at least not right now. I am dead to it. My anger and hurt aren’t because we broke up, breakups are inevitable even though this was the first relationship in many years that I saw myself, I wanted it, no I craved the rest of my life with Andy. I wanted the house, the kids and the happily ever after. Andy knew what I wanted from the start, and I feel cheated out of the time, energy and tears I spent committed to him and us. He wanted something “new” to be with someone “new” and that doesn’t happen when you’re in a serious relationship.

Why did those truths not come out in the beginning, we could have had our date and parted ways. Instead, he mirrored my wants, ideas, and dreams to manipulate me into falling in love with someone he clearly is not. That is what I’m angry about. I’m angry at myself that I allowed this to continue as long as it did. Do I not have enough self-love and respect for myself to know that I don’t deserve to be treated how he treated me? Nobody with any ounce of moral fiber, compassion or human decency treats people how I got treated. What pains me more is Andy didn’t even have the respect to ever do anything face to face but worse I didn’t even deserve a phone call. Every single time he decided I was of no value to him; I received a text. When I would immediately call him, he would avoid my calls to later blame me for blowing up his phone.

Calling me psychotic and bipolar. I simply reacted like any woman would when her heart is getting blindsided broken. This most recent time of last night, the finale of it all, the infamous final discard after months and months of idealizing, devaluing and discarded, it is finally over. Even though I know how this will all play out, I have made the decision to be DONE. My number is changed, he is blocked from my work cell, and I have made the conscience decision that I deserve so much more. Plus, I met someone else, and I knew as soon as I was intimate with another man, it sealed the fate of the ex and myself. Truthfully, it’s why I did it, I needed to be with someone else to eliminate the physical hold he has on me. Being with someone else opened my eyes. Andy has been the only one I’ve been with in the last 2 years, and I needed to know if what I felt was truly love or part of the narcissistic/borderline personality dance…. right now, my emotions are still involved to decide. While this sounds promiscuous, the person was a man I have went on a few dates with months ago and the man I run with, so I know him very well. I do not regret my decision and a small part of me hopes we pursue a relationship since he is more my “ideal type”. He is a runner and runs, he workouts as much as I do, and he is more my type physically. Dark hair. Dark eyes. Runners body, no chest hair or body hair for that matter, employed, dog lover and isn’t from This state.

There are only moments that we have left. Those precious seconds where the passion blots out everything else, and it is just us. The rest is a war neither of us can ever win. But I already waved my white flag. I have already surrendered.