We are done. This time for good. Not only has the ex-lied about being with other people he’s lied about how many and both male and female. I’m not hurt over a breakup; I can handle that.

I’m hurt in the manner a 42-year-old man did it. Basically, he asked the questions he wanted and then said he was done and ever contact him again. Taking it a step further to block my number. I did NOTHING to deserve that.

I was committed to him the whole time and stuck by him through every epiphany. To simply be discarded through a text without giving me the respect to say how I felt shows the true character of a man I thought I knew.

I was manipulated and lied too for 10 months. This is why he wasn’t liked among other deputies, and this is why so many ppl though he was off! “In 39 years, I’ve never met such an asshole narcissistic controlling man as him. To treat me like this proves everything was a lie. I should have left when he had sex with some woman while we were “broken” up or maybe after multiple times of calling me a whore or when he pushed me down hard enough where I thought my kneecap was broke but I didn’t. He wanted control so much in fact he asked me to be “submissive” our relationship defines every trait of narcissistic but this I’m taking control of having my life back from an alcoholic narcissistic jerk!

A blog I posted a few days ago reads this “I don’t understand why he does this know how much it pains me. It makes me an emotional wreck, consuming me to the core. It breaks my heart; I love this man so much. Why is beyond me because he is horrible to me. It’s the back and forth. Complete narcissism and somehow, I feel it’s my fault. I did nothing this time. one time though he broke up with me Somehow, he thought the bathroom door was locked and freaked out. He walked out of my house and completely ignoring me. He knows I hate that but does it. Another time, the time he pushed me down, I didn’t go to yoga.

Was it all bad? No but I simply will not be with a man who verbally, emotionally, or physically abused me and that is the ex. I fell in love with someone he wasn’t so shame on me. He lied he has lied to me about everything. Telling me he had to install carpet after going out of town for a month. And then he slips up and tells me the same house has all wood floors The constant I love you, I don’t love you and the back and forth. Then professing his undying love for me. Calling me a whore and the constant belittling me, I don’t deserve that. I have stuck by him throughout his entire transition, at times when he has put me in tears, calling me names accusing me of cheating when he has been up in Missouri fucking around and telling me I can’t be with anyone else.

I mean stupid lies, that he couldn’t stay with his friend but had to go camping,

I knew he was lying from the start, all over the carpet. Who lies about replacing carpet? I mean we had an entire conversation about wood floors. The house had freaking wood floors already.

He had sex with some girl a while ago, blamed me because I was mean to him. I just had surgery. It is always my fault, never his. This time we are done, I have a date tonight with my trainer and I should have gone out with him when I met him in March, but of course I turn down the nice guys for jerks who don’t deserve me.

Red flag number one I have a bunch. My first red flag should’ve been a week after we dated he needs space only call me hours later because he was in the hospital and he needed me red flag number two he wants to break up coincidentally is also going to Missouri for a week he comes back and wants to get back together red flag number three we break up I don’t even know why but we still out having dinner he sleeps with this girl but he comes over has dinner with my son and I looks me in the eye and tells me there’s nobody else couple days pass guess he felt guilty calls me up and tells me he loves me and that’s what made him realize he loved me I bought it’s my fault number four and this is of course after so much other stuff happened and calling me a whore, hates me I’m a slut he is telling me he could do better, belittling me he wanted me to move in , wanting to get rid of my dog he want to go to camping I didn’t go because Arkansas had a flood and I had to work he shut his phone off for two days.

He comes back ignores me for another day we make up Memorial day weekend comes around I want to sleep in on Saturday, at 9 o’clock but he wants to go to yoga I got home go to bed he calls and tells me come back over of course after a couple of hours of cooling off to punish me again I go over he’s done, again wants to break up, I’m arguing and crying because this is like the 10th time he’s done this.

Tells me that he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want to be with me he, wanted me to leave his house I course don’t because I’m trying to convince him to be with me like an idiot because he’s narcissist and he’s convinced me that I should be with him, he throws me out physically on the ground. I bust my kneecap he gives me some ice continue to yell at me and belittle me he’s drunk I go home.

A couple weeks pass we get back together stay together for a little while longer we get another fight, we break up. Week passes he’s ready to retire his retirement ceremony is coming up we’re not even together at this point because he has family coming in town because I love him I go to retirement ceremony where he decides he should profess his love in front of the entire district we get back together he tells me that he’s always love me he’s confused he doesn’t know what he wants blah blah blah I leave his house one night because I could not sleep I thought we broke up he goes to New York next day everything we didn’t break up we stay together he comes back we can fight about something else we break up couple days pass we get back together.

We get back together one last time at this point he tells me he’s not going to be the one to break up with me we argue over something else to probably because I don’t want to move in because he promises not to break up with me he decides he’s going to cheat me at absolute shit and it goes on and on over and over!! but it’s not all him I put up with he had to put up with all my texts because I don’t like being blown off because a man tells me he loves me I kind a like a text first thing in the morning I am the other hand in being unrealistic and needy because I’m not OK with someone I’m sleeping with to be able to go sleep with somebody else… he cheated on me essentially but I let that go!!! oh let’s not forget the photos that people are sending me as he’s with other women that get sent to my Facebook multiple times and somehow I got past that… he pushes me and put his hands on me and still let it go

The fact he’s constantly back-and-forth how he feels about me constantly gone TDY Missouri New York but through all this because I love him, and I want to life with him. But this most current time he’s done because he wants to sleep with somebody new because before he wanted an open relationship, I was not okay with that.

He wanted to be with swingers, and I guess fuck other guys and I fuck other guys, but I may sound like a jaded woman I just want to know the truth but evidently that’s too much.

He tells me is in Missouri working. But here’s the icing on the cake he tells me he’s going to Missouri he must replace carpet in his house because God is watching over me, and All darkness comes to light a friend of mine is in the army is looking for houses and wouldn’t you know she accidentally Looked at a house and it’s his house.

But wouldn’t you know the house he had to replace the carpet already had wood floors not a fucking drops a carpet so I’m not sure what is true anymore. While I’m not Sherlock homes or Agatha Christie but if he’s lying to me about something as simple as having to replace carpet what else is he lying to me about. Yet again he wants to be done he doesn’t want communication blah blah blah won’t talk to me, blocked my calls won’t answer the phone because that is what grown 42 men do.

There’s nothing worse than not being Wanted. It happened in pieces, tiny little turning points. The ex-broke my heart. Break ups are fine, how he did it was cowardly. I’ll never figure out when it all turned because it wasn’t a single moment. It doesn’t matter how many times I look back, how many times I try to figure it out. There is not before and after. Just almost a year of choices. For so long people didn’t understand us. They don’t understand me. They think it’s so black and white, that he makes me miserable and that I should be with someone else and that I deserve something else. But it’s not black and white at all. It’s gray. It’s a never-ending world of gray. For so long I would try to figure out when I stopped mattering to him, and I don’t know how to undo it. I want it to be like it used to when all he needed was me. It will never be true. Things have never been okay with us.

Maybe if I’d paid attention, I would have seen that on our first few dates. Maybe I would have noticed his possessiveness; maybe I would have seen the way he wrapped around me, made me his entire world, his possession or object. Maybe I would have felt the weight he placed on my shoulders, one tiny stone at a time. Maybe I would have seen I was only with him to provide him with fuel a mere object in his eyes that could be easily discarded without thought when I no longer benefited him. I saw the red flags, but I chose to ignore it essentially, I settled with him. I was in love of the idea of him. I was in love with being in love. I’m not sure what to think anymore.

What makes him treat me this way. I’ve been in relationships but nothing in comparison to the relationship we had. There was something electric between us, pure passion when I laid eyes on him. He made me intoxicated the love I thought I had for him I only question now. These were moments I fell deeper in love with him. When neither of us would say anything, and we just … stare. There was an understanding between us, or I thought that went deeper than words ever could. A connection so real I can’t put into words because words could never say the things I felt. But I was manipulated by the ex lies and deceit, the entire relationship was a lie. This wasn’t love it never was. It’s something broken and ugly. I wanted it so badly I didn’t care what it looked like. All I want to do is pretend nothing is wrong and avoid it all, for eternity, but I know I can’t. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he lets his rage take over, that he lets it rule him. I don’t know why he must let it rule him. I don’t know why he must be two people and I only get to be me, the one who was there to take what he must give, and who was there to pick up the pieces afterward.

The only one in his life that is consistent and always there when he needed. The sounding board when he was stressed, his AC broke and I was there to let him stay in my apartment that he despised. I was the one who stuck by him during the transition or when he had surgery. Nobody else who he thinks so highly and puts on a pedestal. I don’t know what happiness feels like anymore or at least not right now. I am dead to it. My anger and hurt aren’t because we broke up, breakups are inevitable even though this was the first relationship in many years that I saw myself, I wanted it, no I craved the rest of my life with him.

I wanted the house, the kids and the happily ever after. He knew what I wanted from the start, and I feel cheated out of the time, energy and tears I spent committed to him and us. He wanted something “new” to be with someone “new” and that doesn’t happen when you’re in a serious relationship. Why did those truths not come out in the beginning, we could have had our date and parted ways. Instead, he mirrored my wants, ideas, and dreams to manipulate me into falling in love with someone he clearly is not.

That is what I’m angry about. I’m angry at myself that I allowed this to continue as long as it did. Do I not have enough self-love and respect for myself to know that I don’t deserve to be treated how he treated me? Nobody with any ounce of moral fiber, compassion or human decency treats people how I got treated. What pains me more is He didn’t even have the respect to ever do anything face to face but worse I didn’t even deserve a phone call.

Every single time he decided I was of no value to him; I received a text. When I would immediately call him, he would avoid my calls to later blame me for blowing up his phone. Calling me psychotic and bipolar. I simply reacted like any woman would when her heart is getting blindsided and broken. This most recent time of last night, the finale of it all, the infamous final discard after months and months of idealizing, devaluing and discarded, it is finally over.

Even though I know how this will all play out, I have made the decision to be DONE. My number is changed, he is blocked from my work cell, and I have made the conscience decision that I deserve so much more. I don’t deserve to be treated how the ex-treats me. He changed his number further closing the deal this is my final discard. He will not come back, and we are done. And the thought of him out of my life pains me.

There are only moments that we have left. Those precious seconds where the passion blots out everything else, and it is just us. The rest is a war neither of us can ever win. But I already waved my white flag. I have already surrendered.

If you have dated, married, or simply known narcissist only you will truly understand what I’m about to write, if you’re reading this and you’re not sure the person your life is a narcissist than they probably are. Narcissists have an amazingly predictable pattern when it comes to relationships. It’s called The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse, and until I was made aware of it, I thought I was going crazy. Once you see it, though, you can never unsee it.

The belittling, the name calling, the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse is directly attributed that I don’t have enough self-love to know that no woman including myself deserves a man like him. Do not mistake these blogs as I’m jaded. Or simply we broke up and I’m upset. Completely the contrary. In 10 months, I’ve never felt freer and more alive. To be free of the emotional and psychological pain put on me by an emotional vampire.

A man that really was never worth my time. A man that I’m out of his league but he manipulated me into telling me everything I wanted to hear but nothing that resembles the truth. 
When you meet a narcissist, you will go through three stages. If you’re like me, and hopefully you aren’t, your narc will recycle the stages and you will experience them more than once. Of course, this depends on if you are his primary source for narcissist fuel. Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism.

The relationship cycle typical of extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows a pattern. Individuals in emotionally abusive relationships experience a dizzying whirlwind that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding and while this cycle of idealize-devalue-discard is really helpful in understanding Narcissistic abuse, I felt that it would be really beneficial for it to be expanded upon so you can get a clearer picture of each phase since I had no idea about any of this when I met A. The cycle goes in 3 stages and may continually occur hence being recycled.

If you see the red flags just run. It only got worse for me in my relationship with the ex, I promise it will never improve. I promise. Narcs will never change since they blame it on everyone else.
 
Please know that you are not alone, and that there is help there. If you are feeling depressed, please seek help immediately as a discussion with your doctor about antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety medications might be worth exploring. Finding a good therapist that is familiar with the different types of abuse can also really help you heal. Many domestic violence centers offer free or low-cost therapy options. Or comment below how you healed from a Narc relationship. I assure you nothing improved with him, and I because I can’t have a healthy relationship with a narcissistic who won’t get help.

In the meantime, I’m left with the emotional and psychological scars he caused, unanswered questions of why but even if he did respond to me, he just blame it all on me. If you’re where I am do what I did. Change your number, delete all traces, go on a date, have a spa day and if your narc is how mine was, take off you love goggles and look at them how the world sees them.

So many people told me at work to avoid him, so many couldn’t even believe we were together. Nobody deserves disrespect or having someone make me or you feel less about yourself. I know I gave my fair share of pushing his buttons, but I never lied or cheated. My biggest fault was loving someone that only cares for himself.