Well let’s see it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I realized today no kids ever think they are going to grow up to junkies. Imagine that on the next career day and a 2nd graders say’s “When I grow up I wanna be a junkie.” So much has happened since my last post..or at least public post. anyhow well my dad is sick so I get to be back in good old port charlotte. Yeah let’s just get those rusty razors and slit my wrist because I hate this place. Back track.Okay so I ETSed out of the Army, great but the paycheck cut was hard, especially with a drug habit. Yeah I said it..So many people are scared of this word. Or at least associate the word addict with someone who lives under a bridge and shoots dope. How did this all start. Years ago, how did it get worse. Men..It’s always a man. Well I guess it started with the second deployment and escalated to a quick decline following Texas. Then moving to the Houston area, meeting a DJ and an eye opening experience to a whole new world and people far from the ACU’s Soldiers I have been used to for the last 8 years. Let me say for anyone who thinks being a drug addict is easy is wrong, or addicts can’t hold jobs or are useless. Nobody realizes its a full time job. more than 40 hours a week, sometimes in two days just finding, looking and moving money from one place to another. It takes a lot of work..and waiting. I though being in the Army helped me with getting used to waiting. No my dear friends, all you do is wait. And wait some more.  Someone said you spend more time as a junkie waiting than you do anything. The word junkies. I hate that word. Again with the stereotypical thought of junkie as living on the side of the road doing lord knows what to obtain the 10 minute high. High. Sometimes or most of the time it is not even about that. Towards the end of my sudden decline it was more about not getting sick. Do you know what dope sick feels like. Think of the worst flu  you have had, intensify that by 100x. It is miserable. Your skin crawls, you are hot and cold. You want to kill yourself because your body is in shock saying what the fuck are you doing to me. But once that subsides you deal with your thoughts, your brain of all of a sudden living life without drugs. Or in my Drug of Choice Opiates. Mostly Oxycontin or Heroin but now here I am doing normal things sober. What is this? Do you mean I can get a soda at the local store without being high? But you still think you need it Towards the end i’m not sure if I found the rush in the drugs or the needle. I did overcome my fear of needles though. See gotta find that silver lining right. Going back to Junkie. The word is disgusting. I didn’t grow up thinking when I grow up I want to be a junkie. Or drug addict. If your are ready to roll your eyes, or hold your nose up thinking ewwww that life is not me. I could never do that. Let me fill you in. Someone you know is a drug addict. Some like me, are functional addicts. And if you can say you’ve never gone to the doctor leaving with a script of Vicodin and don’t like that hot, itchy feeling, I feel so much better feeling it gives you. Your a fucking liar!!!! So this round of sobriety has been the worse. See the last few times I’ve been in 1,200 dollars a day rehabs withdrawing on benzos. This time I had to do it cold turkey in florida. I have no connections here. So you’re asking yourself this round. It has been more than once. Yeah well you know I like to make sure I master the sobriety thing, the first two attempts of sobriety didn’t work, so third times a charm right. They say relapse is a part of recovery. I used to balk at that thought,  now i’m the poster girl for it. Like I’ve said, I wouldn’t wish this disease on my worst enemy. If you can’t relate to this blog, then more power to you. You will never have to understand the depths of how exhausting it is to deal with this. For the rest of you … Until next time..