Unfortunately, we can’t just hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete on our memories, can we? It’s like having a scrapbook of our lives that we can’t edit. Those sad memories stick with us, haunting our thoughts when we least expect it.

It’s Christmas Eve. I am ready for the holidays to be over. In the midst of Jingle Bells and Christmas music I’m trying to move. Through the move my eyes won’t stop twitching, not simultaneously but each one at different times. In addition to my twitch, I broke out in some sort of lesion rash on my scalp, so intense I called off work. Merry Fucking Christmas ho.

Adding to that my Facebook memories pop up where I’m reminded of last year…. the beginning to the end. When it started. From breakfast in bed to cutting down Christmas trees. I woke up thinking about the ex. Things I didn’t think were odd a year ago but now I see the truth and peculiarly of it.

The first time the ex-stayed over we went and looked at Christmas lights and had dinner. I asked him to come watch a movie, that statement turned into an inside joke throughout our relationship. The ex-teasing me about how I knew I was going to have him stay over and I had no intention on him sleeping over…. I truthfully didn’t have an ulterior motive, I honestly wanted to take things slow with him. But that didn’t turn out as planned. I’m an intense person, I didn’t think he was. But the both of us were so, I can’t even describe it. So much emotion and intensity with us and even more between us. It was unhealthy relationship between the ex and me. I was the only one who believed the ex and I could have a healthy relationship…. obviously, the ex has far too many misdirected fantasies and narcs only love themselves….

The point is, was he always had a bag at the ready with spare clothes etc. The ex would try to act like it was because he was a “Soldier” or something like that, but I realize now it’s because the ex is used to going home with women or men. The ex hangs out at bars and fucks the first woman who shows him interest, so the ex has to have spare clothes ready.

This isn’t a theory nor am I jumping to conclusions this is proven because the first night I stayed sat the ex-house completely unplanned and because I’m not a whore who is used to sleeping at other men’s house, I didn’t have a hygiene bag ready. Luckily or so I thought at the time the ex-had a family pack of toothbrushes. Now what single man has family packs of clean toothbrushes ready? Men like the ex.

Ironically the ex would always accuse me of being shady or dishonest. I realize now it was the ex-guilt causing him to feel this way.

This paranoia caused the ex to go through my car and belongings when I was asleep. Or park outside my house and watch.

I don’t even know why the ex-admitted this to me but worse why did I stay?

It’s times like that when I think of the ex-stalking my house or when the ex would call me a whore or accuse me of lying that I see how stupid I was and how pathetic and sorry he is.

I truly wish I knew what it was the ex-lied to me about. I’m almost scared. The ex was so secretive, and I was so in love and didn’t question anything. No, it wasn’t just being in love it was I trusted him. Trusting him ended up being my demise.

My trust caused the ex to not only fuck anyone when I wasn’t around but lie to me over and over. My trust caused the ex to verbally abuse and belittle me continuously but worse the ex-getting drunk and physically Abusive. Oh, but that’s right it was MY FAULT!!

Of course, I will never know since the ex-failed to explain anything. Maybe it didn’t require an explanation.

Maybe The ex-wanted to fuck tranny and I impeded it. Maybe The ex-wanted to fantasize about child porn or have some mommy son incest sex kink and knew I drew the line or maybe since I was never okay with having an open relationship? Who knows what the ex-felt or thought.

I do know one thing The ex-did think. The ex-thought I didn’t deserve anything more than a text stating he was done. The ex the selfish lying narcissist thought I didn’t need or even have the respect to hear my questions. The ex-didn’t want to listen to what I had to say or questions I had because the ex would have had to answer why the ex-lied about his rental house needing wood floors when they already had them! Trivial I know this is one question I would love to know. A lie so trivial means the ex-lied about so much more.

Bottom line the ex is a selfish narcissist who cares only about himself. The ex will place the blame on everyone else and one the mask facade comes off the ex will belittle, verbally abuse and want complete submission. Oh yes go back to blog number one when one argument The ex-had with me was because the ex-wanted me “to submit completely to him.”

This was after a disaster happened and I had to work and couldn’t go camping. A legit weather disaster.

I’m not sure if I hate the ex for everything he did and how the ex-ended it, so I want the ex to die a slow painful death or I hate myself for allowing the ex to treat me how he did.

Either way I don’t need to wish bad upon the ex since the ex can ruin his own pathetic life. I sort of feel sad for the ex. The ex-drowns his demons out starting at noon most days with alcohol, The ex-doesn’t want monogamy but the ex wants a harem of women and men for a daily orgy and multiple sex partners. The ex-can’t live past his high school and college days not realizing he’s 42. The ex-failed in the Army, which is why the ex was forced to retire.

Another part of his character that was a red flag. Anyone who did 20 years but only got to the rank of major is a red flag. The ex wants to blame his “deployments” to civilians who have no idea how the Army is. The ex may have deployed but he sat behind a desk and saw zero combat. Don’t let the ex-fool you into thinking he’s GI Joe “served his country” because the ex is truly a disgraced to those who really are serving their country. The only thing the ex-served during his “career” were the cadets at West Point. Truth be told the ex-didn’t get promoted because the ex-hid out in West Point his Entire career while the rest of us were deploying. Finally, though mostly likely when the ex-came up for promotion someone saw this 15-year Army major still had zero deployments and why he deployed towards the end of his career.

How else was the ex-able to obtain multiple graduate degrees while active duty? The ex was hiding out in cushy assignments and this topic was never talked about with him and I since the ex-can’t Bullshit someone who knows the military.

I think the true definition of the ex-character and what a dirt bag “soldier” he was during the ex-retirement ceremony. The ex-basically told his boss and bosses boss Fuck you I do what I want.

I have never been more embarrassed to be with someone than that day. It was at that moment The ex-confirmed any thoughts I had on what a piece of shit soldier he truly was. I’m honestly glad the ex-threw his stuff away.

The ex,doesn’t deserve to wear the uniform. So, the ex can go and brag when he is home since they have no idea what a dirt bag he truly is. What does the ex-tell for war stories? How The ex-failed a cadet? Does The ex-tell war stories of his fight with the copy machine? Or the battle with the coffee maker?

All I wanted was an apology and explanation. These blogs feel like the energizer bunny. Keeps going and going.

But what if those hurtful memories serve a purpose too? They shape us, teach us valuable lessons, and make us stronger in the end. It’s like going through a storm to appreciate the sunshine that follows.

So, instead of trying to erase those sad memories, maybe we should embrace them as part of our story. After all, they are what make us human – flawed and beautifully imperfect!

Have you been through a difficult breakup? Or had a monster ex? Share in the comments!