I have a confession to make. I am ashamed of myself. I allowed a situation to bring out a person I don’t want to be. A side of me that I’ve never seen before. I was mean, vindictive, threatening, and hurtful. All because I wanted my way. I’ve been doing a lot of long runs lately, I forgot how good it feels, it gives me time in my thoughts to think, process situations and to reflect on my behavior.  

I admit I was probably provoked. I was provoked but that still is no excuse for how I acted and reacted. I was saying my prayers well actually talking to God while I was running, asking him to forgive me I was so incredibly wrong, that even now it brings tears to my eyes to think how horrible I was absolutely horrible to this person. Someone who I say I love and care about.

You don’t treat people that you love how I treated this person but alas I did.  It made me realize how this person can bring and provoke a side in me that I don’t want to be! I don’t want to surround myself let alone love anyone that makes me into a bad person or brings out the bad in me. I want people to bring out the good in me and make me strive to be a better Christian woman.

Satan had complete control over this entire situation, which is why it inevitably failed miserably. This person is not a good human being. I was wrong and fooled for a very long time or maybe I chose what I wanted to see. I have met a lot of people, and this person ranks top in bad people. But I don’t need to worry about what others do. Or how they live their life or if they want to treat and be horrible to me. I trust and I have complete faith since God has always had control of MY LIFE THAT he has a bigger plan in all of this.

I am not seeing it today, but like every single event in my life, there had always been a reason behind it. I am very happy that God allowed this to happen. It has made me realize a lot about myself and my character defects I need to work on plus there has been so much good that came out of this.

The stress and anger from the very beginning got me back running and the gym again. It’s made me realize I am worth so much more than settling but more importantly it made me see that some people can be attractive on the outside but so ugly on the inside. I’ve made mistakes in my life, but I can honestly admit I have never intentionally caused someone pain.

But it didn’t matter how I felt. How I thought or if I had something to say. I never matter in any of it. It was always about the other person because they are selfish. But I can’t control other people. I can only control my life. What I choose and I choose so much more than one person’s breadcrumbs. I choose to surround myself with people with good hearts and morals. People that genuinely care for other human beings and don’t live behind a mask acting in a facade called their life. I want to associate with people who build me up instead of tearing me down or only being the extra in their movie script called their fake life where they will always be the only star! I know God, karma or the universe will make this situation right. All darkness comes to light. I just need to be patient.

My life is way to incredibly blessed to allow someone with so much negative energy and to be blunt so fucking fake in my life. I mean so fake it used to make me sick to my stomach. Not everyone are good people and that was hard lesson to learn when that someone is the person, you’re so in love with it takes your breath away.  God can move mountains so there is nothing more I can do except trust God in this.