I’m so stressed out, scared and sad. I’m sad I’m leaving even now all this time that’s gone by, it still makes me so sad. Sunday is it and I think that weighs heavy on my heart. It has since the start. The blank, sadness that constantly hangs over me. I feel like I’m going toward something, but I just don’t know what that something is.

How I wish I could do so many things over. Times that I needed my alone time, or I would be annoyed for no reason. Look where it got me. I keep telling myself everything Happens for a reason, but what reason is that? The end of my existence? Never did I think it would have such detrimental impact on my life.

But here I am.

I guess I was delusional after all. Sometimes I just wish I was dead. Not a suicide dead but more like what is the point.

I literally have no one who loves me. Again, I’m not writing this for sympathy nor Am I sad. I’m simply stating a fact. I could die and not one person would really notice. My dog would and work when I didn’t show up but aside from that nobody.

This is partly my fault because I have completely severed ties with a lot of people.

Maybe Hawaii will be good. Arkansas has been horrible. I knew better than get involved with a man. I kick myself in the ass a million times over. Everything would have been different.

 Ironic because at the time I thought I was in a good place. And I was. I was in an amazing place, but that place didn’t include a male. I was foolish to think I could date again. Look what happened. I’m so far worse than I ever have been. I don’t know how to recover from any of this either.

Something needs to give though.