Well, I’m not sure if it’s easier or getting off my meds. I started this at work but just wasn’t feeling it today. I was completely off, and I really thought I would have a good day since I ran this morning, well ran outside but it was a horrible run anyhow. SO, I left at noon, and it was great. I went to the gym early and got a good lifting session in and walked on the treadmill for about 30 mins. By this time, it was nice and sunny out so I too G. to burns and we hiked for about 2 miles and then I picked up few things at Walmart and was home by 4. It was amazing. I was really down for the last 3 days, like not because of the typical stuff either, just really sad. I blew off the gym the last 2 nights because I was just not feeling it. I feel better today thank God, but it wasn’t until after tanning did, I start feeling better because I really started to think. The ex was so mean to me. I mean really mean. I remember this one time a few months back we were sitting on the couch, and I was telling him how I thought it was inappropriate that my niece had a bikini photo as her profile picture. We were just talking, I wasn’t asking him to side with me, in fact the conversation started because he asked who called me late one night and it was my brother, so the conversation stemmed from that. So, as I’m telling him the bikini story, he is telling me “Who the Feck are you. Who the fuck are you to say what she wears”. His tone was so evil, it was how he said it. So demeaning, I remember going into my closet crying my eyes out. HE had zero reason to be mean, in fact we weren’t even fighting, I mean it was just so cruel the way he said it. I don’t know if he was mad at something else, or what, but either way why would you be mean and hurtful to someone you allegedly love? It’s not as if I provoked him or we were fighting, we were just talking, even now as I sit here and think about that day it brings tears to my eyes and upsets me. He was never really that nice to me, he always complained about something I did. Whether it was the detergent I used or how I folded laundry, but he would come over and it was his attitude. As if he was interrogating me or trying to find something. The entire time we were together even up till now I was always committed to him. There were other times too, the name calling, always calling me a whore, once and we just started to date, he texted me he hated me. I wonder why he did the things he did. Right up until the end? Why didn’t’ he ended it before going to Missouri? Why drag it out, go out to dinner etch? I wish I knew then what I now. When we broke up after Memorial Day we should have taken a break. That’s the problem we world always try to go back to where we were so nothing ever got worked out. I can sit here and say how mean he was to me, and he was but I always did my fair share, although I’m not entirely sure. HE called me a pathological liar, and I have never once lied to him and called me bipolar, which I’m actually not. How he did it hurts the most. The girl he had a one-night stand with gets a nice conversation and dinner. I get a text. If he had done it even over the phone and not during a heated conversation I would be find. I’ve been broken up with before, I can’ handle break ups. What hurts is that I didn’t mean enough to get a phone call? Everything we had was a lie and mattered nothing to him, he could discard me from his life so easily. If we had sat down and he rationally said he was done I probably would have agreed, either way we needed a complete break. What is even worse is he had to add in that he didn’t even want to sleep with me. That is attacking an emotion that really fucked with my head. Through all this though even now, I still feel deep down we were/are worth fighting for. There is just something there between us, I can’t explain it but when he is near me my whole body is like static electricity pulsating with excitement, he truly does turn me on. Which I have no idea why, he isn’t really attractive, I find him attractive because I love him, but if I had met him outside the Corps, out of uniform, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. I said so many horrible, vindictive and hateful things after. Well, I texted them, and even though I asked God to forgive me, don’t know if I can forgive myself. I’m not even sure who that crazy woman was, I should not have overreacted the way I did, I have very few regrets in life, but I can honestly say I regret how I handled the situation when texted he was done. I should have right then and there just stopped, we probably wouldn’t be where we are right now, but honestly as much as my heart is broken and I miss him, his smile, laugh how he feels next to me everything I took for granted, I truly feel that if there is any hope for him and I, we need to put space and time between us. The only way to recover from all that has happened is to completely start over as strangers. But I truly feel he hates me and while I know we have been through worse; we have never gone this long without talking and seeing one another. Right now, though I can’t live as if there is a chance, because I don’t know anything anymore, I just need to move forward and continue to date other people since I’m sure he has and is. It still hurts thought, I haven’t really been in Arkansas on my own terms, I got here and met the ex. Every little fucking thing here is a reminder of him. I truly wish I didn’t turn down that St. Paul job, I just knew him, and I weren’t at a place for a decision like that and I loved him, he meant way more than anything else. Plus, I’m happy here at work. I wish every night that he would be knocking at my door with that look on his face like so many times before, you never know what you have until you lose it…I really hope the ex and I meet again and just start over. He truly made my life complete, as cliché as it sounds, he completed me. I am not sure why he has such a hold on me, I am facing hate it so much. I am tired of being sad and missing him. How can he just stop and start loving me so fast? Why did he drag it out, why couldn’t he have done this before he left instead of dragging it out. G. tells me it’s because he met and is fucking someone else, he probably is and I’m in complete denial. I’m just not sure any more about anything. I’m too lazy to do spell check ‘so tired of this. I just want this painful feeling to go away. I hate how I behaved, that is his lasting memory of me, threatening and being vindicative. Regardless of what he did that gave me no right to behave how I did. I should have taken the high road. I was so wrong in my actions and that is something I have to live with. I just don’t understand why he had to do it on a text and why did he lie about so much? What else did he lie about throughout the time we were together? Is that why he always accused me because of his guilty conscience? There are so many unanswered questions because I trusted him, he played me and got me hook, line and sinker. I just don’t understand his actions at all. It’s like he is scared for someone to love him. He wants sex with random people and adventures, which is fine, but he never understood we weren’t ever ready for that. He constantly walked out on me and fed into my insecurity without our relationships. I admit I have my fair share of issues and I also did things wrong while we were together. But I always accepted responsibility and was willing to change for us. He never was. It was ALWAYS my fault never was.  It’s almost like I boosted his ego. He is NOT getting attractive, sexual women like me. I have seen the chick he slept with and his ex-wife. I was actually quite shocked and disappointed because I held him at a higher standard, but that is it. I saw him differently because I was blinded by love. EVERYONE, well not everyone but a lot of people were shocked when they saw photos or us or knew we were together, somehow, I get attractive men and I thought the ex was attractive, but my one friend told me I lost my “niche” because I was single for so long. So, this plus seeing his exes made me realize it went to his head. It doesn’t matter, I love him and was madly in love with him, head over heels, spend the rest of my life give him my pizza crust in love. Way more than I ever loved Dave. And now we are done and it’s over. <! –more–>