I wonder what stage I’m in. I have a fire going since it’s getting cold. As I was walking outside it somehow made me think of the last time, I was this cold it was last year. I’m glad I’m leaving since everything a reminder. I thought of our First date. I was so nervous, and it was so cold I was lying in bed when he called and asked me to go but I liked him. We would talk for hours on the phone. Somehow, we lost that. Everything got so complicated. The intensity of our love I think was more than either one of us could handle. Literally something was between us. It’s good he refuses to talk to me, I guess. He’s stronger than I am. When I saw him, I was never strong enough to break up. And we broke up a lot. It’s going to get hard till I leave.
This was the time of year we met. Spent holidays together. It was such a nice time. Even from the start I was always afraid of losing him. I loved him so much and I truly don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about someone else again. I know this because I haven’t felt that way about anyone else before. God, I miss him. Every day I miss him. Our first date was storybook perfect minus the cold. Our first kiss was in a church and Christmas lights glowing. I should have known then the ex-wasn’t the man I thought. It was all an act and I bought it.
The ex that I talked to for hours on the phone or make silly faces when he’d come into work or the ex that my entire day would be complete just by being able to catch a glimpse when he’d walk by my office was not the ex that would belittle me. He wasn’t the ex that pushed me on the ground or call me names like slut, whore or honey trap whore when he was so drunk telling me he hated me. Everything was all part of the ex-Narcissistic ploy. The ex that said he’d never do anything to intentionally hurt me was the same the ex that looked me in the eye swearing there was nobody else only to have fucked some fat chick while I was home recovering from surgery. I don’t even want to know the lies I never found out about. All the time we were “broken up technically” but really the only difference was there was no label, was he using the term so he could fuck anything he wanted.
I was controlling according to him. Controlling because I wanted a committed relationship or more, I wasn’t okay with an open relationship of him being able to fuck whoever to include men and transvestites. God forbid at 42 The ex-only fuck one person.
The thing is if he wanted all this then that would have been fine. If he wanted an open relationship, then fine and I’m not the girl for him. Or wasn’t the girl for him. But he should have fucking said that from the start and I would have walked no I would have run the other way. But the ex-lied. THE EX didn’t say a fucking thing. THE EX knew what I fucking wanted and played my emotions telling me he wanted the same thing. In hopes that after enough belittling, verbal and psychological abuse the ex could break me down and control me. I would be completely submissive to him. Since months into our relationship the ex-broke up with me until I agreed to “submit to him”. So, I did or at least tried.
I couldn’t completely submit to the ex. Not because I didn’t want to have a man be the dominant in a relationship and I there have the role of the woman. I truly wanted to. I would have done anything the ex-wanted me too. Why I don’t know. I’m completely independent and I’ve managed to never need a man to take care of me, so I never needed the ex for anything more than his love. But the ex-couldn’t give me his love because the only person The ex can and will love is himself.
But the ex-couldn’t just tell me all this from the start. The ex-instead wanted to cause me as much pain as humanely possible and when he was done When I no longer fulfilled any of the ex-narcissistic narcissistic fuel, The ex-decided he was done too. No more communication and as he once said before “cut me off.”
So, what better way to end a relationship. In a text message. That was it. Nothing else. I had no chance to respond. The ex-never once picked up his phone to answer my questions on all the lies.
All of this and the detrimental effects and impact it has on my life. The ex is a narcissistic soul sucking vampire.
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