I really want to go home. It’s pointless not only because of a hurricane but George left to go to Indiana. God has a sense of humor, the man who worships the ground I walk on, loves Gator and is my best friend in the entire world and I’m not attracted to him. Showing I am insane. He’s a good-looking man he gets chicks half his age and I love him and trust him more than I’ve ever loved anyone it’s just I don’t feel it like that. My God I wish I did my life would be perfect, but I just don’t. He feels going home would make me want to go see JT BUT I don’t think I would besides I have a lifetime supply of subs in my system.
Maybe that’s why I’m so all over the place? I dropped my taker almost 75% so I can deploy and if I get that other job. Idk I should have gone home on leave. But I wasn’t feeling it after the whole Dallas trip and all that shenanigans. I’m glad I’m home. I could go up to Indianapolis since George wants to see gator and I, but I don’t feel like going anywhere plus I have a shit load of crap to pack up and I’ve procrastinated already.
On another note I am so ready for Thursday I can taste it. I need to call Kat this week and have dinner and talk to her about the final details. Why am I sitting here blogging or why am I blogging on This page.
I’m almost done transferring all the old blogs to the new site and I can’t wait to be completely anonymous and can post everything public, instead of the settings of certain passwords and authentications for each blog and who can read what. I’m always so limited in what I say or write because some stuff I don’t want linked back to me.
I’m dreading Saturday. I talked to the lady and sent her the final ideas and she said she could do it the way I wanted but it will be done in two sessions. I guess that’s better I’m really anxious about that even though it’s been on my mind for a while I’m still hesitant and I hope it’s not being impulsive because I’m basically fucked if it is.
What a week then weekend. I’m glad to be home and glad it’s all over. Leaving it all behind me. Church was good and we ran burns again. I’m not sure what it is about that trail, but I love it so much. Just running it. We do need to find another place but it’s the halfway point for him and me to meet. Pinnacle is way too far to meet for me in the am especially before work and I don’t like going that way as it is because it reminds me of “him”. It’s Deja vu every morning driving home. Idk I should have taken the job in St. Paul, I allowed a career decision be based on my personal life and because of “him”. I knew he wouldn’t go, and I didn’t want to leave him and now look at how it is.
Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up. Not really but I’m tired of being sad and over someone who isn’t even worth my tears.
When I step back and look at it objectively, I want to slap myself. Why am I hurt over someone who is completely not in my league of men? He doesn’t have a job, he is an alcoholic, he’s narcissistic, he’s not even nice to me and besides all that he isn’t even a good person. He is a bad human being. On top of all that he’s a coward. So why is it I’m so sad? It’s my own issues that attracted me to him and keeps me wanting to work things out. I feel it’s because deep down I know it’s meant to be. There is something between us.
I’m lying to myself.
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