I was recently on Reddit reading a post from a married man whose wife complained he was not spontaneous when it concerned sex. The husbands defense was that he was exhausted at the end of the day. Based on his post I assumed he worked while wifey stayed home. Honestly it really sparked a nerve and I felt sorry for this guy.  My response was the following.

“I mean no offense to my response. But let’s not sugarcoat or BS each other.

You aren’t exhausted. You are uninterested. Plain and simple.

Your wife isn’t doing anything to get your attention. I’m not going to sugarcoat things. I am a woman so I’ll give you my perspective from a single woman who has known a lot of married men hence why I will never get married.

I’m a woman and as exhausted as I or my partners have been, when the other person makes the effort or does something the other likes, it’s amazing how you suddenly don’t feel tired for sex. Sure, you don’t “plan” sex… When you plan sex, there is a problem…but when you’re in a relationship or marriage, it takes a little work to keep things fun…Sure people get tired. But no partner is tired when the other is doing whatever it is they know turns the other person on…if you catch my drift…

So, what is your wife doing? Does she work? Is she trying to make you want to be spontaneous? This is why married men cheat. The wives get comfy…and stop showing a husband attention…. They sit home all day, watching all these movies, shows and on social media with everything a “Man should be doing” but forgetting the man is doing their part in the relationship.

Stay at home moms seem to forget it’s up to them to take care of their husband. Sure, it works both ways. But not when the hubby works and wife stays home…You didn’t mention if she worked but based on the fact you put your kid to bed, I want to assume she is a stay-at-home mom…Being a stay-at-home mom is her choice…Is she helping you with your job? Then why are YOU putting the kid to bed at night and not her? So, you work all day, and then get home and deals with the kid? So, your wife can get a break? When is your break? Maybe I’m wrong but based on your description this seems to be the case as it is in a lot of marriages.

Maybe you have not cheated. But if your wife was showing you the attention you wanted or deserved, you would not ever be exhausted. This isn’t an ADHD issue. This is a marriage issue…Married women are naive in thinking that “their husband would never cheat”. Yes, THEY WILL. And men who say, “I’d never cheat”, are lying…

A guy who gets zero attention from the wife, works all day and comes home to a wife in an worn out t-shirt, is going to be too exhausted…But I can’t tell you how many men I work with who are very handsome men good and you think the wife is going to be some supermodel only to find out the wife is 200 pounds….Some guys like this…but most don’t. I promise you that.

I don’t want to offend any married women who fit this description but also don’t want them to be so naive to think there isn’t going to be a younger and more attractive woman pining over your husband. I used to be one of these women when I was younger to know better…When you want a no strings attached relationship and want to ensure the guy doesn’t get attached, a married man is perfect for this…Heck even when I didn’t, I would find out later a man was married…

But I’ve had long term relationships and can say neither one of us were ever exhausted…One guy really liked when I wore heels, dresses, and pantyhose to work… I admit there were times I would make sure to dress in his line of sight but instead of just wearing typical dress and heels, I’d step it up a notch and wear garter belt and my best lingerie underneath. That was one thing I knew he likes. So, when he tried to be “spontaneous” in the morning, I’d play dumb like I had no idea what I was doing but decline his advances saying I had to go to work. So, when I went all day with the image of what I had on under my dress on his mind. Typically, I would get home before he did, so “coincidently” when he walked through the door, I would just happen to be undressing from work…Let’s just say I never heard how tired or exhausted he was…. But do you think I would have had that reaction, had I gotten up and thrown on my regular attire? Or when he returned home, I was in an old pair of sweats and T-shirt? F### no….Women, including myself, know how our sexuality works on a may. It’s almost funny. Sorry guys, most of you are just too easy…. You all pretty much like the same thing. Sure, there are variances, but you want the porn star in the bedroom. It’s given and take. I like flowers just because and all the other sappy things we women like. No partner I’ve ever been with ever did any of these things because he like it, but because I like it and in turn, he got whatever he wanted when the bedroom door was closed.

My point is and no offense to males, but males are different from women in what sexually excites us…You not being spontaneous, is just as much as your wife’s fault as it is yours., You’re married. So, I assume she knows what “you like” and you know what she likes…I could probably list 100 things your wife could do where you’d manage to keep your eyes open. By the same token I can list 100 things that do nothing for me or even almost dislike but if you were to ask one of my exes they are convinced I enjoy these 100 things…Guys we like things landing on our faces, chest or whatever else as much as you like to convince us you don’t want a threesome with us and our BFF…

If your wife is doing all this, and you’re still tired, then I would highly encourage you to talk to your doctor…

But if she isn’t, then the issue is her…not you…. If she or any other stay at home mom doesn’t want to be obligated to her “wifely duties” then it’s time for her to get a job…her wifely duties don’t end when you walk in the door.

Women need to stop being naive in thinking they aren’t easily replaceable.”