It’s easier now. I’m glad I’m at this point. It still makes me sad. The lack of closure from Him. I’ve went over this a million times in my head and thousands of conversations with my BF and I will never understand the finality of Him actions. A text. After everything a text. I have to understand the issue wasn’t mine. I took on the issue of Him. It was his issues. What kind of man or person ends any sort of relationship in a fucking text? He does. I could say I don’t care but I obviously do since anger is an emotion and I’m so angry still. But the anger has turned into disgust and I’m so ready to leave here. 

Just a few days ago someone at work mentioned and asked if we were together. I wanted to really say “no he prefers the bottle and transvestites and wants an open relationship” but instead I simply responded I was leaving, and we wanted different things. Which is the truth. I want a relationship with a man who won’t belittle or make me feel horrible about myself all the time. I want a man that can send me a good morning text because I’m the first thing he thinks of. I want a man that doesn’t want to fuck another man or transvestite. I want a man who doesn’t think I’m controlling simply because I want a monogamous relationship. None of these wants could Him provide. Him said it best when he stated, “I didn’t deserve him”. Him was correct.

Bringing me to another piece of clarity it took me months to finally realize. The text in the morning. He knew this was important to me. My own insecurities and issues most likely but a good morning text just meant so much to me. Him rarely sent me the first text. It was ALWAYS me. I used to think Him just didn’t text in am because Him didn’t want to succumb to a want of mine. Even times when I didn’t send the first text, he wouldn’t text me till noon. Him would use the excuse he didn’t text, or I should send the first text since I got up earlier but the truth in the matter is when s man sends a morning text it’s because said woman was the first thing on his mind. I was never the first thing or second or third on the mind of Him.

Does it still hurt? Very much so. He has been the only person I’ve been with since I moved here. Now as I’m moving for another 3 years it’s silly to date or meet someone now.

I truly thought he was it. The something between us and as he once said “our love is stronger than that”. Obviously, it wasn’t. There was only love on my side of things. Him is in love with not only himself but the idea of love. Him was only in love with the idea of a relationship, a wife and family. That is all fine. I just wished he knew that before we met.

Because nothing negates the fact he put his hands on me, called me horrible, filthy names when he was drinking, the belittling or cheating.

The real issue was why I allowed myself to be treated that way. I and no woman deserve the type of treatment from an alcoholic narcissist physical and verbally abusive person like Him. I can’t even say man because Him is far from being a man.